Relationships — most commented jokes

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"

- He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

- She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

- He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

- She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

- He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"

- She said... "No problem, I'll get you some that is."

- She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

- He said... It's not my fault... I ran out of money.

- He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

- She said... Well, you succeeded.

- Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'

- She said... 'Who's gonna look?'

- He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

- She said... No, have you?

- He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

- She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

- He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

- She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

- He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

- She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

- Boy: Since we met, I can't eat or drink...

- Girl: Why not ??

- Boy: I'm broke.

- Boy: May I hold your hand??

- Girl: No thanks, it isn't heavy.

- Girl: Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??

- Boy: What time was it??

- Girl: Say you love me! Say you love me!

- Boy: You love me...

- Girl: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

- Boy: Sure, what's your phone number??

- Girl: Darling, I want to dance like this forever..

- Boy: Don't you ever want to improve??

- Boy: I love you and I could die for you!

- Girl: How soon??

- Sharon: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??

- Tracy: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

- Man: You remind me of the sea.

- Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?

- Man: NO, because you make me sick.

- Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

- Husband: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

- Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?

- Peter: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

- Jimmy: Mom, can I have two piece of cake?

- Mom: Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

- Sam: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.

- Lily: So what do you do?

- Sam: I close my eyes.

- Teacher: Have you given the goldfish fresh water?

- Pupil: No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.

- Mom: Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?

- Son: Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
    But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
11. Our love will never become cold and hollow
    Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
12. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
    In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
13. This feels so good, it feels so right
    I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
14. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
    Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
15. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
    But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
16. Through all the things that came to pass
    Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
17. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
    I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
18. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
    So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
19. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
    you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"

Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.

Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?

The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!

Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.

Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.

When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was - 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.

I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!'"

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
11. Today is our what?
12. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
13. I thought we only celebrated important events?
14. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
15. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
16. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
17. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
18. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
19. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

• What do you mean today's our anniversary?
• Can we not talk to each other tonight?
• I'd rather just watch TV.
• Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
• And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
• Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
• Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
• I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

• "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
• "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
• "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
• "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
• "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
• "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
• "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
• "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
• "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
• "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
• "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
• "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
• "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"
• "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
• "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
• "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
• "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
• "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
• "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
• "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
• "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)