Random joke from this category
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Coolwip" on the side..........you might be a Redneck
If your working T.V. sits on top of ur NON-working T.V. ..........you might be a Redneck
If you think a "courter horse" is that ride in front of Kmart..........you might be a Redneck
If the biggest city you've ever been too is Walmart..........you might be a Redneck
Did you hear about the redneck who was shootin craps?
→ He blew a hole in the toilet.
You Might Be A Redneck...
How do you castrate a hillbilly?
→ Kick his sister in the mouth!
A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says, "where ya goin' with that wire?"
"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire. I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"
"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the farmer.
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells, "where ya goin' with that tape?"
"Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape," says the kid, "this here's duck tape. I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"
"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" says the farmer.
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says, "where ya goin' with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain't just any old stick," says the kid, "this here's pussy willow."
"Hang on," says the farmer, "I'll get my hat!"
Redneck's Ode to a Valentine
Kudzu is green.
My Dog's name is Blue.
And I'm so danged lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk,
A-flappin' in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.
Yo're as graceful as okry
jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yore as fragrant as Mountain Dew
Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth
For which I am proud.
I hold my head high
When we's in a crowd.
On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well I'm in hawg heaven.
I'm plumb out of my wits.
And speakin' of wits,
You got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you are my woman.
I can't ask fer more.
Like a good roll of Duct Tape
Yo're there for yore man
To patch up life's toubles
And stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud.
Yet fragile as that singer
Named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a Junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant
On which I oft treat.
Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like my Rattletrap Shad.
(A fishing lure.)
When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete.
There ain't nothin' I lack.
Yore complexion's perfection
Like the best vinly sidin',
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
I won't put you on blocks
and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a cold RC drank.
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day.
They git it at Wal-Mart.
It's romatic that way.
Some men, they git roses
On that special day
From a coller at Food World.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"A diamond's forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.
But for this feller, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You old sweet thang, you.
I got you a gift without taste nor odor.
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.
Redneck Driver's License Application...
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
First name: [] Billy-Bob [] Bobby-Sue [] Billy-Joe [] Bobby-Jo [] Billy-Ray [] Bobby-Ann [] Billy-Sue [] Bobby-Lee [] Billy-Mae [] Bobby-Ellen [] Billy-Jack [] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: []M []F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: [] Farmer [] Mechanic [] Hair Dresser [] Waitress [] Un-employed [] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: [] Sister [] Aunt [] Brother [] Uncle [] Mother [] Son [] Father [] Daughter [] Cousin [] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your major? [] 5th grade [] 6th grade
Do you [] own or [] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___
Total number of vehicles you own ___
Number of vehicles that still crank ___
Number of vehicles in front yard ___
Number of vehicles in back yard ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [] Yes [] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? [] Yes [] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [] The National Enquirer [] The Globe [] TV Guide [] Soap Opera Digest [] Rifle and Shotgun [] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: [] Weekly [] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth: [] Yellow [] Brownish-Yellow [] Brown [] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [] Red-Man [] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road? [] 1 mile [] 2 miles [_] don't know
What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
→ Either way somebody loses a trailer home!
You know you're a redneck if your wife wants to take a bath but you have to move the transmision from the tub first.
You know you're a red neck when you go to family reunions to pick up chicks!
If you've been married three times and your in-laws aint changed then you might just be a redneck.
If a sign reads say no to crack and you pull up your pants then you might just be a redneck.
You know you are redneck when you mow your lawn and find a car.
You know you are redneck when your favorite shirt is illegal in more then 15 states.
You know you are redneck when you shut your car door and your gun makes you a sun-roof.
You know you are redneck when your friends go water skiing while you are towing your boat to the lake.
You might be a redneck if your exhaust system incorporates more than three wire hangers and at least two juice cans.
You might be a redneck if you think "fat-free" means undoing your belt and the first 3 buttons.
You know you're a redneck when you think marriage vows are what your father-in-law promised to do to you if you didn't marry his daughter.
You might be a redneck if an intimate evening at home consists of sharing the remote.
You might be a redneck if it's easier to rotate your home than your TV antenna.
You might be a redneck if you use old newspapers in more than 3 ways in your home.
You know you're a redneck if you stare at the Orange Juice container because it says "Concentrate."
You know you're a redneck when some one yells "hoe down" and your wife drops to the floor!
You might be a redneck if you can relate to the following statements:
You know you're a redneck when your family tree is a wreath.
You know your a redneck when your town priest is also your town plummer.
You know you're a redneck when you're front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You have a home that is mobil and 14 cars that aren't.
You know you're a redneck when you have seven cars in your driveway, but only one works.
What was the last thing the redneck said before he died?
→ "Hey y'all, watch this!"
You know your a redneck if your Thanksgiving turkey was once a family pet!
You might be a redneck if you wear cowboy boots with shorts.
A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were.
The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive.
"Hell," says the man, "You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!"
