Redneck Jokes — most commented jokes

• adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto
• anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool.
• antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.
• bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?
• bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.
• catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this)
• cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)
• d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.
• emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how
• fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)
• genital......(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee
• heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1
• hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter
• mamogram.....(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female
• papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy
• recovery.....(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur
• rectum.......(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk
• seizure......(n) Emperore of Rome.
• series.......(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
• testicles....(n) books of the Bible
• tumor........(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call
• urine........(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?"

The guy says, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?"

The fella says, "Naw, you're right. . . I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"

You might be a redneck if. . .

• You think harass is two words.
• You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.
• Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.
• Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
• You have more dogs than the local shelter.
• You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.
• Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
→ When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead!"

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
→ It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Why did God invent armadillos?
→ So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell!

Definition of an Arkansas Virgin: A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.

The old man says, "Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the sheep. It was a lot of fun!"

The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.

The old man said, "Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the neighbor's wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!"

The reporter, feeling frustrated, finally told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said - "Well, one time I was lost ..."

A Jewish family invited their Redneck neighbors over for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is soup made with matzoh balls."

On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the redneck man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple urged him to, "Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."

Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.

"That was delicious," he said, but I was wondering...

"Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"

The official year 2000 Redneck Census Form:

Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
()Billy-Bob ()Billy-Joe ()Billy-Ray ()Billy-Sue ()Billy-Mae ()Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
()Booger ()Bubba ()Junior ()Sissy (_)Other____________
Age:____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex:____ M ____ F ____ Not sure
Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
()Farmer ()Mechanic ()Hair Dresser ()Unemployed ()Dirty Politician ()Preacher
Spouse's Name:_____________
2nd Spouse's Name:_______________
3rd Spouse's Name:_______________
Lover's Name:_______________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
()Sister ()Brother ()Aunt ()Uncle ()Cousin ()Mother ()Father ()Son ()Daughter ()Pet
Number of children living in the home:_____
Number of the children living in the shed:_____
Number that are yours:_____
Mother's Name:____________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name:____________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)
(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____truck ____bedroom ____bathroom ____kitchen ____shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack?
()Yes ()No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
()The National Enquirer ()The Globe ()TV Guide ()Soap Opera Digest (_)Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____
How often do you bathe?
()Weekly ()Monthly (_)Not Applicable
Color of eyes: Left_____ Right_____
Color of hair:
()Blond ()Black ()Red ()Brown ()White ()Clairol
Color of teeth:
()White ()Yellow ()Brownish-Yellow ()Brown ()Black ()N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
()1 mile ()2 miles ()just a whoop-and-a-holler ()road?

How do you circumsize a redneck?
→ You kick his sister in the chin!

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.

"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside.

"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."

"But, we's privates," says Junior.

"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."

Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!"

• Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
• He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
• You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob".
• He refers to Klingons as "Critters".
• He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns".
• He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.
• He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
• He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies".
• He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
• He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
• He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
• He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage".
• He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
• He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba".
• He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster".
• He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
• He paints the starship John Deere green.
• He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special".
• He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp".
• His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
• He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen".
• His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
• He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
• His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.
• He sets phaser to "Cajun".

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words were - "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"