Ouch — most commented jokes

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident."

The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?"

The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."

This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.

I'll never forget that game of cards...

A little kid comes running into the backyard.

He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"

"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
→ Shoot him again.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.

He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."

It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee... That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

Two newfies walked into a pet store. The first says "I want four budgies."

- Salesman: Certainly sir, would you like two male and two female or all male or all female?

- Newfie: I don't care. I just want 4 budgies!

- Salesman: Certainly sir, what color would you like? We have yellow, blue, gr...

- Newfie: I don't care what color they are, just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard?

- Salesman: O.K. O.K.

The two newfies pay for the budgies and leave. They drive out to this high cliff in Newfoundland and the first newfie reaches in the box and pulls out two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff while flapping his arms. Of course he SPLATS at the bottom.
The second newfie looks down at his friend's twisted remains and says "What a shame. this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to be!"