Mom/Dad Jokes — most commented jokes

Every once in a awhile, this couple would tell their 2 children, Scott (the older one) and Andrew that they were going to go upstairs for a bit (to do their little freaky thing).

One day Scott got curious to what they were doing up there, so the next time they said that they were going to go upstairs he very cautiously followed them.

He peeked in through the crack in the door and whispered, "Hey Andrew, come look at this. Guess what the woman who told us never to suck our thumbs is sucking?!"

Somewhere in America, next week...

- Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.

- Son: What's up, Dad?

- Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

- Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car.

- Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

- Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

- Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

- Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

- Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

- Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

- Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

- Son: No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

- Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

- Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

- Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car?

- Son: No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?". From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

- Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot?

- Son: From The President of the United States.

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

My father and mother were recently celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. While cutting the cake, my mother was moved after seeing my father's eyes fill with tears. Mother took his arm, and looked at him affectionately. "I never knew you were so sentimental," she whispered.

"No, no," he said, choking back his tears, "that's not it at all.

Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to either marry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?"

"Yes," my mother replied. "I remember it like yesterday."

"Well," said my father, "today I would have be a free man!"

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!"

Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school.

She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast.

"No," the son replies. "I don't wanna go to school!"

"You HAVE to go to school," the mother scolds.

"No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers don't like me, and the lunches are icky."

"You WILL go to school, young man," the mother warns.

"Why? Why do I have to go to school today?" the son asks.

The mother is about to lose her patience.

"Because you're the principal, now get out of bed!"

Anna's mother has 3 kids... the youngest daughter's name is Penny... the middle daughter's name is Nickel....... What is the oldest daughter's name?

You think you know it???

Aww.. a smart one you are! You were probably thinking her name was Dime.... but if you were really smart you would know that the oldest daughters name is Anna!!!

- Baby Jim: Mommy, does God use our toilet?

- Mom: No Jim, what made you ask?

- Baby: Every morning, Daddy goes up to the toilet and says: "Oh God! Are you still in there!"

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."

The girl then asks, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Mommy says, "That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."

The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Her mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?"

The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!"

There was this boy that lived with his mother.

One night the boy woke up and went to the restroom and on his way he passed his mothers room and looked in and saw his mom rubbing her breasts and saying "I NEED A MAN". Then he went to bed.

The next night the same thing happened, she was there rubbing her breasts and saying "I NEED A MAN".

On the third night the woman had a man in bed with her when the son looked in.

Right away the boy went to his room and stood in front of the mirror rubbing hiself and saying....

"I NEED A BIKE"..........