Men Jokes — most commented jokes

A man went to his doctor and said, "I want to be castrated."

"What?" said the doctor, "surely you don't want that."

"Yes," said the man, "that's what I want; I insist."

So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anaesthetized, and CHWOP! off they came. The next day, he woke up in a double room and, wanting to be socialable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for.

"Oh, I was circumsized," the man said.

"Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!"

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated."

The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.

"All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said.

When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point."

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular."

"That's right," exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?"

"Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up," replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long."

"Right again," the man said.

The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36."

"There's your first mistake," the man said, "I've worn 34's for years."

"No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one," said the owner.

The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34."

The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!"

A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor, "Doctor, my penis has been burning lately."

And the doctor said reassuringly, "Don't worry son, that just means someone is talking about it."

A fellow went to the doctor one day and said, "Doc, I have a problem. My penis is red."

Doctor replied, "Drop your pants, let me take a look. Ummm...yes, no problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40."

The fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he hadn't been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell.

His friend said, "Really? I have a similar problem. What doctor did you go to?"

So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him, "Doc, George recommended you...you've got to help me. My penis is blue."

Doc asks to take a look. "Ah yes... Ummm... Yep, we can take care of it, no problem, $400."

"FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS? Wait a MINUTE! You took care of George for only $40."

"Yes, I did. But George's penis had lipstick on it. Yours has gangrene!"

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
→ Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told!

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...

He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!"

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says: "Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!"

How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?
→ Pull down their genes!

I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!

I recently attended a meeting of the International Singles Club here in Silicon Valley. I met a Chinese woman who was a dentist.

She had perfect teeth, which started me thinking: All dentists from all cultures apparently have perfect teeth.

So, I am looking for a gynecologist for my next girlfriend!

Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife After Her Ultrasound

1. Thirsty?
2. Where did the extra set of arms come from?
3. Why does it look so much like a lizard?
4. So, what are the characteristics of hermaphroditism?
5. Could we do that again? The nurse had me distracted.