Medicine — most commented jokes

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.

This happens a second time.

The third time this happens, she says, "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"

The man replies, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"

Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!

An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.

This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie.

The doctor says, "I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?"

To which the fellow responds, "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!"

One day, John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

"So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said.

"The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.

"No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.

Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

The doctor looked at him and said, "I've got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!"

An old man goes to the doctor. The doctor asks for stool, urine, blood, and semen samples. The old man can't believe it. He takes all his little sample jars and goes home.

At home, he tells his wife that the doctor wants stool, urine, blood, and semen samples.

The wife looks aghast and then realisation spreads like the dawn across her wrinkled facial features. "That's easy," she says, relief obvious in her voice. "All he wants is your pajama pants!"

A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet.

Seeing this the dentist said, "Please don't, you don't need to pay me now".

The patient answered: "Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!"

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!

"Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.

"Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.

"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff... You'll just have to settle for what's on tap!"

This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says, "I've just got to marry this woman, I love her so much..."

So the doctor says, "Well, it's risky, but okay." So into the operating room they go for the brain removal procedure.

Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, "We are verrrryyyy sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead of 50%."

The guy looks up and says, "Mama Mia!"