Medicine — most commented jokes

What did the emu say to the nurse?
→ Mend her bones or walk the plank

What's the definition of a nervous breakdown?
→ A chameleon on a tartan rug!

Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."
Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"
The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

What does a vampire take for a cold?
→ Coffin syrup!

Why did the vampire go to hospital?
→ He wanted his ghoulstones removed.

What kind of medicine does Dracula take for a cold?
→ Coffin medicine.

A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.

"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?" asked the psychiatrist.

"As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient.

"And when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Oh," said the patient, "when I answer the telephone."

- Caller: My goodness, Operator! Your nose is so stuffed up, I can't understand you. You should really take something for that cold.

- Operator: Good idea. I'll take the rest of the day off!

- Caller: Operator! Operator! Call me an ambulance!

- Operator: Okay. You're an ambulance!

What do you get if you cross teeth with candy?
→ Dental floss!