Medicine — most commented jokes

What did the emu say to the nurse?
→ Mend her bones or walk the plank

What's the definition of a nervous breakdown?
→ A chameleon on a tartan rug!

Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him:

- Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.

Steve says:

- Will that keep me from getting sick?

The doctor says:

- No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.

What does a vampire take for a cold?
→ Coffin syrup!

Why did the vampire go to hospital?
→ He wanted his ghoulstones removed.

What kind of medicine does Dracula take for a cold?
→ Coffin medicine.

A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.

- Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from? - asked the psychiatrist.

- As a matter of fact, I do - said the patient.

- And when does this happen? - asked the psychiatrist.

- Oh - said the patient:

- when I answer the telephone.

- Caller: My goodness, Operator! Your nose is so stuffed up, I can't understand you. You should really take something for that cold.

- Operator: Good idea. I'll take the rest of the day off!

- Caller: Operator! Operator! Call me an ambulance!

- Operator: Okay. You're an ambulance!

What do you get if you cross teeth with candy?
→ Dental floss!