Random joke from this category
Things Not To Do While You Are With Your Wife In Labor In The Delivery Room
A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician. He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel. He then rushed off.
At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read:
- When your husband can read this without his glasses, it's time to get yourself to the hospital!
The Mammogram
This is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared. But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises:
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant that, if the man returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
- So did you follow him?
- I did.
- And...where did he go?
- Over to your house!
In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions
Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce
The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge
In the blithe days of honeymoon,
With Kate's allurements smitten,
I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon,
And call'd her dearest kitten.
But now my kitten's grown a cat,
And cross like other wives.
O! By my soul my honest Mat,
I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"
A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire
For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault
My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce
Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it:
- I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do... - Lenny Bruce
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy
Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy
Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy
I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy
I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg Bundy
The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie Bunker
In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge
An older couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife went to a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises. He gave the wife a list of them to do each day.
Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her sexercises. She got undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the headboard.
About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at the bed and said:
- For god's sake, Mavis, comb your hair and put your teeth back in. You look just like your mother!
A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.
Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says:
- Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?
- Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?
- Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...'
This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.
- This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor - he said - Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, anywhere and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy.
- We'll see - the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.
The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.
The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.
- Doctor, what are you doing?!? - he asked.
Flustered, the therapist replied:
- Oh, it's you! I'm only taking your wife's temperature!
The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately on his sleeve.
- Well, doc - he said - when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!
A guy went to his doctor full of anger.
- Doc - he said - I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do.
The doctor thought for a moment.
- Look - he said - here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex.
- Wonderful, doc - said the grateful patient.
- I'll start with this right away.
He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.
Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.
- What happened? - asked the doctor.
- What happened to your wife?
- Don't worry, doc - the patient reassured him - two more days and she'll be dead.
A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.
She replied:
- You mean imagine that it's good?!
