Marriage Jokes — most commented jokes

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...

He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says:

- Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says:

- Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!

He replies:

- Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!

There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage, and it didn't work.

However, the doctor suggested:

- If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder.

The old man agreed.

The old man didn't see the doctor until they met at a fund-raiser a year later.

The old man says:

- Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant.

- That's good news - said the doctor.

- I knew the boarder would help.

- Oh - said the old man with a wicked grin.

- and the boarder's pregnant as well.

A man speaks frantically into the phone:

- My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

- Is this her first child? - the doctor queries.

- No, you idiot! - the man shouts.

- This is her husband!

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says:

- For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

The doctor says:

- It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.

The mathematician says:

- You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do some mathematics.

A man is talking to the family doctor:

- Doc, I think my wife's going deaf.

The doctor answers:

- Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says:

- Honey, what's for dinner?

He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.

- Honey, what's for dinner?

Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers:

- For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:

- I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.

The husband, rejected but still quite horny, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear:

- Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.

The undertaker said:

- But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

The lady said:

- Who's paying for this?

Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.

The funeral director said:

- Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!

A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynecology.

When she asked him why he chose gynecology, he said simply:

- There's lots of openings!

A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

- Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?

- My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be.

- Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow.

- The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed!

Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife After Her Ultrasound

1. Thirsty?
2. Where did the extra set of arms come from?
3. Why does it look so much like a lizard?
4. So, what are the characteristics of hermaphroditism?
5. Could we do that again? The nurse had me distracted.