Marriage Jokes — most commented jokes

Men should never marry a woman for her beauty alone. That is rather like buying a house just because you like the way it's painted.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm damn lucky to have them.

My other wife is beautiful.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.

Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.

One of the safest ways to assure a happy marriage is to be sure that the wife is a treasure and the husband a treasury.

Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.

Remember, is it as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

Say to the groom:

- Your bride will now expect a mink.

Then to the bride:

- You know how women get minks? ...the same way minks get minks!

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

Sign in a marriage counselor's window:

- Out To Lunch, Think It Over.

Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. If you're looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.

Some women marry men thinking they'd be real comforters, only to discover they were merely wet blankets.

Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.

Sorry I cannot be at wedding...please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.

Take an interest in your husband's activities: hire a detective.

Take heed from those who know
Tie you nightie to your toes
Close your eyes, hold your nose
Then see how it goes...

The average person's life consists of 20 years of their mother asking them where they're going, 40 years of having their spouse ask the same question, and in the end, all the mourners wonder, too.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is high and sustained.

The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said:

- I've found a woman just like mother!

His father replied:

- So what do you want from me, sympathy?

The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!

The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast: The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.

I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg...and a lot of stuffing!!!

The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.

Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. He's the silent one.

There is something magical about the fact that success almost always comes faster to the guy your wife almost married.

They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, I'm sure this can't be cricket.

Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples.

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

To the bride: To be happy in your marriage, you should approach each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your period.

Treat him like a flower...grab him by the stalk.

Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.

We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip?

Weeping bride, laughing wife; laughing bride, weeping wife.

When the best man is reading the telegrams: From your friends on the H.M.C.S. Harmen:

- At ten o clock, please report position and depth.

When god made man he made em out of string,
He had a little left over so he left a little thing,
When god made women he made em out of lace,
He didn't have enough so he left a little space,
Here's to space!

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be... Firstly, The Marriage Game, Followed by, Great Temptation, The Untouchables, Mission Impossible, The Time is Right, Rawhide and Bonanza.

The rising sun may kiss the grass,
The clock may kiss the hours that pass
The flowing wine may kiss the glass,
And you my friends... Drink Hearty!

When a woman gets to the "better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony, she's already experienced the better part.

Propose this toast: John, you are a lucky groom; you've got Mary. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, and loving. Mary, you've got....

John.

To Space

When God made Man, He made him out of string. He had a little left over, So, he made a little thing.

When God made Woman, He made her out of lace. He didn't have enough, So, he left a little space. To Space.

Sayings To Write With Shaving Cream On The Newlywed Car

- To Bed or Bust

- She got him today - He'll get her tonight

- Just living together

Bachelor: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction. 4) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 5) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 6) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 7) A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.. 8) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.

Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.

Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.

Gentleman: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.

Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.

Husband: 1) A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. 2) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 3) A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him. 4) A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss. 5) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.

Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.

Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.

Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.

Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Spinster: A bachelor's wife.

Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.

Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.

Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs.

Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.

Wife: 1) A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet. 2) The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.

Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.

- Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy.

- I won't come in your mouth, I promise.

- I'm not really married.

- It's only a cold sore.

- Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality.

- Size isn't important.

- This won't hurt, I promise.

- We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other.

- We'll always be together.

- A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

- A man in the house is worth two in the street.

- A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

- A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

- Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

- All the good ones are taken.

- Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

- Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

- Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant

- Do it only with the best.

- Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

- Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.

- Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.

- If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

- If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

- If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law).

- If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married.

- If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

- If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments.

- It is always the wrong time of month.

- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

- It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

- It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

- Love comes in spurts.

- Love is a hole in the heart.

- Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

- Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.

- Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

- Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.

- Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.

- Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.

- Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

- Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

- Never say no.

- Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

- Nice guys finish last.

- No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

- No sex with anyone in the same office.

- Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.

- Nothing improves with age.

- One good turn gets most of the blankets.

- People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.

- Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

- Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

- Sex has no calories.

- Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

- Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

- Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

- Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

- Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

- Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

- Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.

- The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.

- The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.

- The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

- The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

- The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.

- The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

- The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.

- The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

- The younger the better.

- There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

- There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

- There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

- Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.

- Virginity can be cured.

- What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

- When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...

- When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

- You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

- You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.

and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says:

- Mommy, why does the girl wear white?

His mom replies:

- The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life.

The boys thinks about this, and then says:

- Well then, why is the boy wearing black...

A woman was getting married. She entered the church wearing a black wedding gown that surprised everyone.

The pastor was a bit annoyed and asked her:

- Why are you dressed up in black?

The woman replied:

- Well, that's because I'm not a virgin.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

- But, officer, I can explain - the man began.

- Just be quiet - snapped the officer.

- I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.

- But, officer, I just wanted to say...

- And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said:

- Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.

- Don't count on it - answered the fellow in the cell.

- I'm the groom!

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

- Pull down your pants - whispered the pastor.

- Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind - the groom responded.

- I think I want the traditional service.

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings!

An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced:

- It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!