Random joke from this category
A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.
After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.
The old woman said:
- We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.
- Uh huh - said the old man.
- We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon - said the old woman.
- Uh huh - said the old man.
- And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon - said the old woman.
- That's right - said the old man, except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'
With all due respect, President Clinton was telling the truth when he said he was not having sex with that woman... Of course he was referring to Hillary!
A man and his wife were at the breakfast table when he suddenly remembered that it was their 50th Anniversary.
- Guess what, darling - he said:
- Fifty years ago today you and I were wed.
- And we ate our first honeymoon breakfast at this very table - she said.
- We were naked as jaybirds, remember? - he blushed.
- Oh yes - she giggled:
- Why don't we take off our clothes right now?
- All right.
They stripped to the buff and stared at one another across the table.
- Oooh, darling - she said:
- My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.
- No wonder - he said:
- One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!
A little boy asked his father:
- Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
And the father replied:
- I don't know son, I'm still paying!
- First guy (proudly): My wife's an angel!
- Second guy: You're lucky, mine's still alive.
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says:
- Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.
The customer replies:
- I'm peeking at a photo of my wife... When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home.
Guy goes to the pharmacy at his wife's request to buy her some tampons. About an hour later he comes home with a bag of cotton balls.
Staring at him in disbelief she asks:
- What the HELL...?!?! I asked for TAMPONS, not friggin COTTONBALLS!!
He says:
- Remember when I asked you to pick me up a pack of cigarettes and you came home with a tin of tobacco and told me to roll my own because the cigs were too expensive.....?
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
- All this was just too wonderful for words - he said:
- but what's the dollar for?
- Well - she said:
- last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
- I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea!
Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the super model Stephanie Seymour.
- I say she's highly over-rated - said one:
- Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got?
- My wife - said the other with a heavy sigh!
