Marriage Jokes — most commented jokes

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there." That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look." The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.

Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...

I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.

Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died'." Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...." Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......

By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?" "Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"

I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep.""

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said, "it's only going to work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, "beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said, "What's all this "beep beep" shit?"

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture." Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever". She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks, "why?" She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

"What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.

"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!"

Did you know that once you get married, you can look forward to three different kinds of sex?

First, there's House Sex: That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much like two crazed rabbits.

Then comes Bedroom Sex: That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you make love in the bedroom.

Last comes Hall Sex: That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw You!"

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.

What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.

What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.

What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!

What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together.

What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their parents.

What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents every fault and make their life a living hell.

1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife.... I hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and soul, I am forever yours."
5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."
10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"
15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"
16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned to divorce proceedings..."