Random joke from this category
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said I should tell you I have acute angina. The old man says I hope so, you sure don't have cute tits.
An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up.
While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off."
While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"
"Look at me." an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his birthday bash. "I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine."
"I certainly have to agree with that." piped-up his obviously long suffering wife. "Henry's cork's been stationary for years."
Two bikers were talking at a bar.
"How's married life?" asks the first.
"It's fine," says the second.
"How's the sex?" asks the first.
"Fine," says the second, "At least I don't have to wait in line!"
A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night.
The bride rolled over and said, "That was nice but tell me, what did my pussy look like before you rooted it?"
The husband replied "Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it."
"That's nice honey" she replied, "What did it look like after you rooted it?"
"Like a bulldog eating porridge" the husband replied.
Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night.
Jake says, "Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so's me and her could spend the night together. The next morning all three of my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her."
The bartender says, "Why did it take three sons to get you off?"
Jake says, "I fought 'em."
One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and started to masturbate.
She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.
He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?"
Mick was sitting at the pub telling his mate Harry about a disturbing thing that happened the night before.
"Last night I came home from the pub pissed as a tick, so I hopped into bed and started feeling up me missus. After a few strokes of her firm arse she got aroused and then we fucked like bunnies for about two hours.
Like I do every time after a fuck, I leaned over and turned on the light, lit up two cigarettes and went to pass one to the trouble 'n' strife. Rubbing me weary eyes I realized that I'd accidentally walked into my eight year olds daughter's room by, and worse still she was on the swimming team and didn't smoke.
How does a yuppie couple perform doggie-style sex?
→ He sits up and begs and she lies down and plays dead.
What do you get if you cross your missus with a pit bull?
→ Your very last headjob.
