Lawyer Jokes — most commented jokes

A very very rich gentleman dies, leaving his fortune to his only living friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his final resting place. The funeral comes and goes. Over a year later the three friends are talking over lunch and the topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation. The Doctor finally says "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his coffin, I kept five million". Then the CEO states "Well, I have to admit that I too kept some of the cash. Ten million to be exact". The Lawyer glares at the two and says "I am ASHAMED of you two, I wrote a check for the FULL amount!"

An older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

"Father," she said, "How am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"

"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be," he replied.

"Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk. The next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look at it. But this time, Father, I'm marrying a lawyer, so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed this time!"

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

A guy in a bar. The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

No lawyers allowed- Prosecutors will be violated!

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest lawyer?
→ Chelsea

A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman. "How do you plead?" asked the judge.

- Guilty or not guilty.

- Not guilty, replied the man.

- On what grounds? queried the judge.

- I didn't think she was dead....

I thought she was an American.

A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a park.

- The witness: They were fucking, your honor.

- The judge: Could the witness put it in a more Shakespearean way?

- The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear / Until tiny sounds came to my ear / There was this couple on the ground there / and his balls were dangling in the air / and you know his what was in her you know where / If that wasn't fucking, your Honor, I wasn't there.

How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
→ When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.

A priest and a lawyer are walking down the street and see a small boy eating an ice cream. The priest says, "How'd you like to fuck that?" To which the lawyer replied, "Out of what?"