Kids Jokes — most commented jokes

A doctor was holding a new baby that he had just delivered.

The baby looked up at him and said, "Are you my father?"

The doctor said, "No, I am the doctor that delivered you." Then the doctor handed the baby to the nurse.

While the nurse was cleaning the baby the baby looked at the nurse and said, "Are you my father?"

The nurse said, "No, I am just the nurse." Then the nurse gave the baby to the new father.

The baby looked at him and said, "Are you my father?"

The new father said proudly, "Yes! I am your father."

Then the baby started poking his father in the forehead over and over again and said, "So how do YOU like it?!"

Grandmother and granddaughter were in the bank when three bank robbers walked in and held it up.

"All the ladies down on the floor," one handsome robber commanded.

"My grandmother too?" the little girl asked. "Yes, your grandmother too!"

"All the ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses."

"My grandmother too?" "Yes, your grandmother too! All ladies will now remove their panties."

"Surely you don't mean my grandmother too?" asked the little girl.

Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted, "YES, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO! Now, all the ladies on the floor are to spread their legs apart."

When the little girl started to ask if her grandmother was included, her grandmother snarled, "YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID!"

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming down.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any direction.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.

The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.

I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.

The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

Little Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down.

Then Mother noticed something was missing....

"Susie, dear," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smythe's place."

"But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susie. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife!"

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time...

"Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things.... What am I?" A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!"

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?"

A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country."

"Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?"

"'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?" A little girl raised her hand. "Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?" "It's a cow, teacher." "Very good, Janie," said the teacher. Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?" Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."