Kids Jokes — most commented jokes

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said:

- If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop.

The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said:

- Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops.

She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said:

- Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!

Finally, the girl turned and said:

- Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!

I like to hang out around the playground, just watching the kids running and screaming. They don't know I'm just using blanks.

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said:

- Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?

Little Johnny quickly replied:

- NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!

A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school.

She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast.

- No - the son replies.

- I don't wanna go to school!

- You HAVE to go to school - the mother scolds.

- No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers don't like me, and the lunches are icky.

- You WILL go to school, young man - the mother warns.

- Why? Why do I have to go to school today? - the son asks.

The mother is about to lose her patience.

- Because you're the principal, now get out of bed!

Why was Tigger lickin' the toilet?
→ Cause he was lookin' for Pooh!

- Baby Jim: Mommy, does God use our toilet?

- Mom: No Jim, what made you ask?

- Baby: Every morning, Daddy goes up to the toilet and says:

- Oh God! Are you still in there!

5-year-old Nicholas was sitting on a department store Santa's lap and told him:

- My name's the same as yours.

Santa's helper blows his cover when he says:

- Well, hello, Harold!

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother:

- How old are you?

Mommy says:

- Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life.

The girl then asks:

- Mommy, how much do you weigh?

Mommy says:

- That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up.

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks:

- Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?

Mommy says:

- Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now.

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says:

- All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything.

The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says:

- Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.

Her mommy is very shocked! She asks:

- Sweetheart how did you do that?

The girl shrugs and says:

- I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds.

The mother is flabbergasted. She asks:

- Where did you learn that?

The little girl says:

- I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!

There was this boy that lived with his mother.

One night the boy woke up and went to the restroom and on his way he passed his mothers room and looked in and saw his mom rubbing her breasts and saying:

- I NEED A MAN. Then he went to bed.

The next night the same thing happened, she was there rubbing her breasts and saying:

- I NEED A MAN.

On the third night the woman had a man in bed with her when the son looked in.

Right away the boy went to his room and stood in front of the mirror rubbing hiself and saying....:

- I NEED A BIKE..........

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

- My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies:

- Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.

Next is little Lucy.

- Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies:

- Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.

Last is little Billy.

- My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies:

- Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!