Random joke from this category
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
There were once four kids, Poop, Shut Up, Manners, and Trouble.
Poop was riding his bike and fell. Manners went to help him up. Trouble got lost. Shut Up goes to the Police Station to report it.
- Officer: What's your name?
- Shut Up: Shut Up.
- Officer: What's your name?
- Shut Up: Shut Up.
- Officer: For the last time, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!
- Shut Up: Shut Up!
- Officer: Are you looking for Trouble?
- Shut Up: Yeah, we lost him about 2 miles back.
- Officer: Where's your Manners?
- Shut Up: Back there pickin' up Poop.
- Dad, can I ask you something?
- Sure! What about?
- You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I should own one.
- And what is this 'one' you're referring to?
- Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?
- No!
- My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.
- Nope!
- It will be just proper at my age...
- I said no way...!
- But all of my friends wear...
- Timmy! How many times shall I tell you that bras are for girls!?
It's the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.
The policeman looks over at Johnny and says:
- Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?
The youngster responds, proudly:
- Ya, Santa brought it for me.
The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicyle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying:
- Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it.
Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says:
- And did Santa bring you that horse?
Humouring the youngster, the policeman answers:
- Why, yes, he did.
To which Johnny responds:
- Well, next time you better tell him to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top.
Be nice to your kids... they will pick out your nursing home someday!
What did the baby chick say to his mummy when she laid an Orange?
→ "Look what Marma-Lade!!"
- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
- A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
- It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
- Duplos will not.
- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
- Super glue is forever.
- McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.
- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
- Pool filters do not like Jello.
- VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
- Plastic toys do not like ovens.
- Your fire department in has at least a 5 minute response time.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
- It will however make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
- Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
- 2:00 AM is not a good time to hear:
- Daddy, diapers don't flush!
- No time is a good time to hear:
- Daddy, your tires are 'hisssssing.'
- You never want to hear, "Watch me fly!" coming from the roof.
- Nor do you want to hear:
- Your new cell phone doesn't work underwater.
- Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!
- Never light fireworks inside.
- Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer.
- Daddy's shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula.
- Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy's shoes is not good.
- Bugs are not a dietary supplement.
- Walnuts make the blender act funny.
- Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.
- Collecting things is good.
- Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.
- Eating string is a bad hobby.
- Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.
- Finger painting is good.
- Finger painting walls is dangerous.
- If you hear the words:
- Can ya eat a lizard's tail? It's too late!
- If you hear the words:
- Guess what's in my hands. You don't want to know.
- If you hear the words:
- Guess what's in my mouth. You REALLY don't want to know!
- 'Fan' and 'flour' should never be heard in the same sentence.
- The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.
- Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper without choking.
- Any sentence which contains the word 'Oooops' is bad.
- Any sentence beginning with, "How much do you love me?" means 'prepare for bad news'.
- Throwing daddy's wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood.
- Opening all 24 of daddy's cans of beer is a bad idea.
- Hiding parts of daddy's computer can make your butt hurt.
- Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy's mood.
- Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank.
- "Why do fish float?" means trouble.
- Any sentence beginning with, "When [your pet's name] dies..." is never a good sign.
- Setting the hamsters free changes the cat's mood.
- Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape.
- Cats get even.
What did the rain cloud wear under his rain coat?
→ Thunder wear!
What is Black and White, and Red all over?
→ A Skunk with a diaper rash.
One night when a boy prayed to god, the boy asked god: How Long is 1 million years to you?
God replies 1 second.
The Boy asked God: How much is 1 million dollars to you?
God replies 1 penny.
Then the boy asked god if he could have a penny.
God replies...sure:
- gimme 1 second.
