Random joke from this category
There are 3 people walking down the street: the perfect man, the perfect woman, and Mickey Mouse. They see a $50 bill on the street. Who picks it up?
The perfect woman (naturally), because the other two are fictional characters!
Why didn't the sanitary pads say hello to the Tampax?
→ Because the Tampax were stuck-up cunts!
What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
→ A whore sleeps with everyone at the party.
A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
What's the difference between a girl and a toilet?
→ A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load into it.
Instructions for the guys:
Instructions for the Gals:
One day a man came home from work to find total chaos in the house. The kids were laying outside in the mud, still in their pajamas, and empty food boxes were on the kitchen counter.
When he opened the door, he found an even bigger mess: dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table and a pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.
He was becoming worried that she might be ill or that something terrible had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day had gone. He looked at her, bewildered, and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know, every day, you come home from work and ask me what I did today."
"Yes" was his reply.
She answered, "Well, today, I didn't do it!"
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.
A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.
A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...
"If Men TRULY Ruled the World!"...
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history!
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Two words...
"Ally McNaked".
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Garbage would take itself out.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
- Cop: You know how fast you were going?
- You: All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.
- Cop: Nice one, That's $10.00 off.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
