Random joke from this category
A guy walks up to his friend and says "why do you have 'R' and 'L' on your hands?"
He replies "So I know which is my left and which is my right."
"Oh" says the guy "Now I know why my wife has C and A written on her panties!"
A Bama Graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," the grad said, "Shoving them up my ass!"
Well, one day, an idiot looking for a job finally came across a cigarette stand that was accepting anyone as there cashier. After being turned down for every job he filed for, he accepts this low paying job.
One day, a woman comes to the stand, "Hey, sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?"
"I dont know", replies the stupid cashier.
The woman leaves unsatisfied.
THe boss, having seen this goes up to him and screams "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW, THEY COST 10 CENTS, GOD!!!!!!"
"10 cents? I will have to remember that" said the cashier.
The next day, another woman comes "hey sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?"
"10 cents ma'am"
"Really?, are they fresh?"
"I dont know"So the woman leaves.
The boss, having spied this screams "WELL OFCOURSE THEY ARE FRESH YOU NINCOMPOOP, WHAT DO YOU THINK? THEY ARE SOUR OR SOMETHING?"
So the cashier memorizes "Yes, very fresh"The next day, another woman comes and says "Hey sonny, now much do those cigaretts cost?"
"10 cents" He replies.
"Are they fresh?"
"Very fresh"
"Should I buy them?"
"I dont know"So the woman leaves.
The boss having seen this goes to scream at him again "YOU MORON, WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT, YOU HAVE TO SAY 'If you dont, somebody else will' OK?"
"ok, gotcha boss"So the next day, the little shop gets robbed by a guy with a gun.
He goes up to the cash register and screams "HEY, how much money is in that cash register?" "10 cents sir"
"WHAT? ARE YOU BEING FRESH TO ME?"
"Yes, very fresh sir"
"SHOULD I SHOOT YOU?"
"If you dont, somebody else will"
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing. A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?" Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts!
What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!
Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.
A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."
Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground.
"What's brown and sticky? A stick.
A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?
"Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.
What do you give an elephant with diarreha? Lots of RoomWhat does mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.
Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work!
Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says...
"OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
[San Jose Mercury News]
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.
His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]. "Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.]
Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in a Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned.
Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
[Times of London]
A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sun bed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life."
More intelligence-challenged people
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
Portsmouth, R. I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
In case you've forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them are listed below:
Sighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.
Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #3: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when he asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. He responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???"
Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #5: I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his system would not turn on.
Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
- Tech Support: How much free space do you have on your hard drive?
- Individual: Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?
Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):
- Individual: Now what do I do?
- Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
- Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."
- Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
- Individual: How do you spell that?
How do you kill a dumb blonde?
→ Put a scratch n' sniff sticker at the bottom of her pool.
A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.
They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy!" said the girl.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply.
"But I have a crew of engineers laying sod across the street."
The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
The Jews had trouble throughout their history with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apolstles.
Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.
Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.
The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery"
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
The people who followed Jesus was called the 12 decibles.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opposums was St. Matthew.
Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
