Drunks — most commented jokes

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern.

"Paddy," he said, "I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day."

"Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

An old drunk stumbles into a confessional.
After not hearing anything for a while the Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy there's no paper in here either.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man'

'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer.

- Officer: Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?

- Man: I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air.

- Officer: Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test.

- Man: I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death.

- Officer: Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line.

- Man: Can't do that either.

- Officer: Why not?

- Man: Because I'm dead drunk.

A policeman stops a car and suggests an apparently drunken fellow to take a breath test. He blows, the thing shows: positive. He protests, cries he is a teetotaler and that the instrument isn't working properly. He says his wife is also a teetotaler. She blows- again positive. Then he gives it to their little kid on the backseat- also positive! The ashamed policeman lets them go.

They take off and the man says to his wife:

- And you kept telling me: don't give the kid any alcohol, don't give the kid any alcohol!!

A police officer stopped a young man for speeding. He stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.

Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"

The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

One evening this Columbia Yuppie was stopped for allegedly drunken driving and was given a breath test by the Howard County Police.

"Well ?" he asked somewhat belligerently as the Desk Sergeant slowly read the print out and entered the information in the arrest record.

"Disappointing to say the least," the Sergeant replied. "Chateau Duvalier... 1962... rather thin... not aged well at all."

What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
→ I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.