Doctor Jokes — most commented jokes

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

- Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

- Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?

- Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

- Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

- Nurse: What is it?

- Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

- Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

- Nurse: No. Is it missing?

- Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

- Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

- Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

- Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

- Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

- Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

- Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

- Doctor: Oh, really?

- Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells the doctor, "Doctor, we want to have a baby." The doctor replies, "At your age I don't think it's possible, but I'll give you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample." So the couple comes back a few days later.

They give the doctor an empty jar. The doctor says, "I was afraid of this." The old man says, "No, it's not what you think. I tried it with my left hand. I tried it with my right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her right hand. She tried it with her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. But we couldn't get the lid off the jar."

An old man goes to the doctor and says "Dr., I don't know what's wrong with me. My dick is orange."

The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. He has no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently painted anything orange.

The old man said "No."

The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recently been exposed to any chemicals at work.

The old man said "No, I'm retired."

The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with any chemicals in his garage.

The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sit around all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos..."