Doctor Jokes — most commented jokes

A man goes into a doctor's office and says "Doctor! Doctor! I have five penises!"

The doctor says, "Good lord! How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, "Like a glove."

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearable hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy. "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over."

The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"

- Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

- Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

- Patient: What problem?

- Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?

- Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.

- Psychiatrist: How long has he been acting like a chicken?

- Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says:

- I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems.

- What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless.

- Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs.

- Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless.

- And it hasn't got any arms either.

- What?

- Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear.

The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her her son.

"Sonny, dear, it's me your mother! Do you hear me!?"

"There is no need to scream," says the doctor "it's deaf."

A certain old gentleman thought his eyesight was going bad, and he was advised to go to see an eye doctor. He goes in to see the doctor, and the doctor said, "All right, let's check you out. You sit down here on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and read that chart on the wall over there."

He puts his left hand over his left eye. The doctor says, "No, no, no. Put your right hand over your right eye."

This old person puts both hands over both eyes. The doctor is now getting upset. The patient continues to screw up, and the doctor really gets mad and says, "All right, I'll fix you!" He gets a paper bag out of the closet, puts one hole in it, puts it over his head, and says, "Now, read that chart!" The guy read it perfect!

The doctor takes the bag off, and this old person starts crying like a baby. The doctor says, "Now, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Well, when I first came in here, I had my heart set on wire frames!"

The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S

- What's that?, the patient asks.

- It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis.

The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds, "We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancackes."

- Why only pancackes?, asks the patient.

- They're the only thing that will fit under the door, the Doctor answers.

A midget walks into the doctors and says, "Doc, I've got these fucking itchy balls and I can't do anything to stop 'em itching".

The Doc says, "I can see the problem and I'll fix it for ya." So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his eyes. The midget hears snip, snip snip noises for about 5 minutes.

The doc finishes and says, "How's that?"

The midget says, "Fucking brilliant, what did you do?"

The Doc says, "I trimmed back your high boots"

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
→ The taste.