Doctor Jokes — most commented jokes

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.

The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.

Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.

A Dentist says open wide.

A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"

A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it's up?"

A Bank manager says "don't take it out you'll lose interest!"

- Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!

- What's come over you?

- 2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.

- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pack of cards!

- I'll deal with you later.

- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a needle!

- I see your point.

- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pair of curtains!

- Pull yourself togerther man!

- Doctor Doctor - I have 59 seconds to live!

- Wait a minute will ya!

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.

- Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.

- But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

- Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!

- Doc: Do you drink a lot?

- Not really - I spill most of it!

- Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?

- Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.

- Then you'll have a bad headache.

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!

- Doc: When did this start?

- Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...

- Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!

- Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?

- Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?

- Doc: I never make rash promises!

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!

- Doc: So what's wrong with that?

- I think I'm going to croak!

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I am sorry, because they all turned me down!!

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

• Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
• "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
• Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
• Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
• Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
• Oops!
• Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
• There go the lights again?
• "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
• Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing off my concentration.
• What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
• That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
• Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
• Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
• OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
• This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
• Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
• Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
• What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
• Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

The top 10 signs your dentist is crazy:

• Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.
• His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders".
• Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.
• Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.
• He...ummm..licks his tools clean.
• Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.
• When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.
• Wears a necklace made of human teeth.
• Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.
• Insists that a Novacaine shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl, and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"