Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

- Hey kid! - the farmer says:

- where ya goin' with that wire?

- Well - the kid drawls:

- this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire. I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!

- You can't catch chickens with chicken wire! - says the farmer.

- Sure I can! - the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

- Hey kid! - the farmer yells:

- where ya goin' with that tape?

- Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape - says the kid:

- this here's duck tape. I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!

- You can't catch ducks with duck tape! - says the farmer.

- Sure I can! - the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

- Hey kid! - the farmer says:

- where ya goin' with that stick?

- Well, this here ain't just any old stick - says the kid:

- this here's pussy willow.

- Hang on - says the farmer:

- I'll get my hat!

The head nun at the convent says:

- I found a pair of men's underwear under my desk!

Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes:

- Heh, heh, heh...

She says:

- And I found a used condom on my desk!

Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes:

- Heh, heh, heh...

She says:

- And there was a huge tear in the condom!

One nun gasps, but twenty nuns go:

- Heh, heh, heh.

True story: A friend's mom was driving in Canada. She was going through a park area. She sped up. Suddenly, she was pulled over by a park ranger. She decided to see if she could be cute and get herself out of a speeding ticket. When the officer approached her car, she asked innocently:

- Gee, officer, did you pull me over to give me a ticket to the policemen's ball?

To that, he replied:

- No ma'am. We're Rangers! We don't have any balls! He continued to write down some information.

After about a half a minute, the ranger looked up, turned red, and muttered:

- Never mind. He closed his ticket book, got in his car, and drove off - no ticket was issued.

What happens when you give Viagra to a Lawyer?
→ He gets taller!

An old woman walks into a drug store and asks the young man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms. The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her:

- yes, we do.

They're right here behind the counter.

The old woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there.

The clerk asks the old woman:

- is there something else I can help you with, Ma'am?.

The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says:

- no, thank you, son.

I'm just waiting here to see who buys them.

A blonde and brunette were walking down the road.

The brunette see's her husband, and he is carrying flowers.

The brunette says to the blonde:

- now I'm going to half to spread my legs! - and the blonde says:

- why? don't you have a vase?

What do you get when you put a Gay guy and a dinosaur together?
→ > A MegasaurASS

A new priest is being given instructions on what to do when he takes confession. The older priest tells the new man, for things like stealing, give 5 hail mary's, and for sleeping with the neighbours, 10 hail mary's.

So the new priest is taking confession one day. The first man in tells the priest he slept with the woman next door. The priest tells him to do 10 hail mary's and he's on his way.

The next man in, confesses to having a wank behind a bush. Somewhat puzzled, the priest steps out of the confessional box and asks two passing alter boys what the "old man" gives for a wank behind a bush.

The two boys reply:

- A can of Coke and a Mars Bar.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

- Well - he explained - By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

- Well - he explained - By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

- Well - he explained - by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.......

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

- Who is it? - calls one of the nuns.

- Blind man - replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

- Nice butt, sister - says the man:

- where do you want these blinds?