Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

- Man: What are you doing here today?

- Woman: Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.

- Man: Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

- Man: Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

- Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.

To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I'm not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups. As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm". He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

"Oh, that," he says. "I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a little interested and thinks "well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience". So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says.

"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars" the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday..." he says after which she smiles and says "What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!"

A woman feared that her husband was losing interest in her sexually. She went out and bought some very sexy lingerie, complete with crotchless panties. She posed herself in bed and awaited his arrival.

When he came into the bedroom, she threw the sheets back, spread her legs, and said, "Welcome home honey. Do you want some of this?"

With a horrified look on his face, the husband replied, "Hell No! Look what it did to your underwear!"

Confucius say...

Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!

Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.

Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.

Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.

A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.

Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.

Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.

Man with atletic finger make broad jump.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.

Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss baloons.

Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.

Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Elevator smell different to midget.

Man who lay woman on ground have peace on earth.

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

America Good Place to Put Chinese Restuarant.

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.

When lady say no, she mean maybe when lady say maybe, she mean yes when lady say yes, she no lady.

Man who lay girl on hill not on level.

He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his son, and buries his wife alive in an anthill should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet!

There is no such thing as rape; Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.

Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.

Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache

He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.

He who refuses to listen is lying.

He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.

Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.

Woman who not practise sex before marriage is sentenced to an indeterminate length.

It take square ass to shit a brick.

The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands..

He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot; and he who sniffs Coke, drowns.

Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!

Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.

Boy who play with himself pulls boner.

Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.

Man who put foot in mouth get athlete's tongue.

Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

Man who fall in vat of molten optical glass make spectacle of self.

Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.

This chick walks into a doctor's office and the nurse tells her to take off her clothes and that the doctor will be with her in a minute, so she does. The doctor walks in and take off his coat and starts to feel between her thighs. He asks "do you know what I'm doing now" and she replies "you're checking for menopause" and he says "very good". Then he starts feeling her tits and he asks her "do you know what I'm doing now" and she says "checking for breast cancer" and he says "very good".

Then he jumps on her and starts rooting her and asks if she knows what he's doing now and she replies "contracting genital herpes cause that's why I came to see you"

There is an old Indian Tribe in the Amazon and their chief is getting old and a new, young challenger wants to be chief.

So the wise man of the tribe decides that whoever produces the loudest fart in a week will be chief.

The first few days pass and neither the chief or his young rival have farted.

The wiseman emerges and says, "Big Chief no Fart." The next day a truck load of baked beans arrives for the Chief, but at the end of the day the wiseman says, "Big Chief no Fart."

The next day, three truckloads arrives for the Chief, but again the wiseman comes out and says, "Big Chief no Fart."

The Chief is becoming frustrated and orders an army of trucks loaded with baked beans.

At the end of the day the wiseman comes out and says... "Big Fart, no Chief!"

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"