Random joke from this category
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
- What took you so long to answer?
- I was in bed.
- What were you doing in bed this late?
- Getting a second opinion.
What's the ultimate rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
Two Marines were sitting around talking one day.
The first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?"
The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?"
The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour."
An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" "I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the cinema." The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, "Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!"
Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all." Madge says, "I KNOW...but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"
The Long Walk Home by Miss D. Buss
The Punished Schoolboy by Major Bumsaw
A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly agrees.
On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed.
"Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You get on top baby it might be better" Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case.
After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see if that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or no neck I have to see this!"
The plumber was working in a house when the lady of the house said to him, "Will it be alright if I have a bath while you're having your lunch?"
"It's okay with me lady," said the plumber, "as long as you don't splash my sandwiches."
Why do accountants make good lovers?
→ They're great with figures.
