Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side:

- I got 12 inches over here you would love to have.

- Well, spit it out it isn't yours.

Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog "Sex". When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said:

- I'd like one too.

But then I said:

- This is a dog.

He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said:

- You don't understand I've had Sex since I was nine years old.

He said:

- You must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said:

- You don't understand Sex keeps me awake at night.

The clerk said:

- Me too.

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets.

- But you don't understand - I said.

I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show off.

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said:

- Your honor, I had Sex before I was married.

The judge said:

- Me too.

Then I told him that after I was married Sex left. He said:

- Me too.

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked:

- What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?

I said I'm looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.

- I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget - said the woman.

- Especially with the size difference and all.

- Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes - said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.

Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

- If you think that was good - said the midget with a smirk.

- Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!

A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.

- Mummy, mummy, what are these? - he says, pointing to her breasts.

- Well, son - she says - these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.

Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.

- Mummy, mummy, Aunt Mary is dying!

What do you mean? says his mother.

Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling:

- God, I'm coming! I'm coming!!!

It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

A man went to a sex doctor and told him of his extremely active sex life. He said He had a wife, several mistresses, masturbated, and had wet dreams all the time. The doctor asked which he liked best.

He Replied:

- Wet Dreams, you meet a much higher class of people in them.

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with. Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy. he added:

- but confidentially, I changed cocks.

The newly pregnant woman responded:

- Confidentially, me too.

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business.

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days...

For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun. Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't felt this good in years!

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
→ Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
→ Money.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After five years your job will still suck.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
→ It's not hard.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
→ The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
→ She is the one who can eat the last donut!

What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
→ One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!

Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
→ Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

I can't help but wonder sometimes though why lovemaking is almost always referred to in theatrical terms. For example, surely you've heard men refer to their "performance". Well, even these days I don't have a lot of trouble with that.

But... since I'm now past fifty, the "encores" are getting tuffer and tuffer.