Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

A guy's fingering his girlfriend.

She says:

- Would you take off your ring? It's hurting me.

He says:

- That's not my ring...

- It's my wristwatch.

"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla. "But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded. "He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."

This guy goes into a doctors and says:

- Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!

- Well how often do you have it? - the doctor asks.

- Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day - he answers back.

- That's not so much - says the doctor.

- Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day - replies the man.

- Well that is probably a bit excessive - says the doctor.

- Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day - says the man.

- Well, that's definitely to much - says the doctor.

- You've got to learn to take yourself in hand. - I do - says the man.

- Twice a day.

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says:

- OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member

After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says:

- Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth.

A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom. The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spotwelding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he could sell the private a new one. The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in two hours with an answer." Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says: "The regiment has voted to replace."

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says:

- At least they're finally together.

A guy sitting in the front row says:

- Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?

The priest says:

- I mean her legs.

The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport.

Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said:

- Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?

The driver said:

- Sure.

He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked:

- Do you want a screwdriver?

He said:

- Sure! But, first I have to change this tire.

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
→ Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.

I recently tried some of these new 'flavoured' condoms. I bought one of each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time i got a shag. My girlfriend likes to lick each one before i insert it in her, just to see what flavour i was wearing.

The first night she said:

- Mmmmm, Cherry flavour

The second night she said:

- Mmmmm, Mint flavour

The third night she said:

- Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour

and so on, until we had reached the final flavour, and she said:

- Mmmmm, Cheese flavour

- Cheese flavour ?? - i said

- I haven't put one on yet!

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."