Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says:

- There really is no justice in this world.

The other little old lady says:

- What do you mean?

The first little old lady says:

- Look at that.

- When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.

- When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.

- When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it.

- When I was 40 years old, I asked for it.

- When I was 50 years old, I paid for it.

- When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it.

- When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it.

- And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!

There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave...:

- Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!

and then listened very closely until he heard the answer...:

- Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.

The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something.

- No - said the other Indian.

- It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.

Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered:

- Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!

When he heard the return:

- Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!

off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.

The Polack started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking:

- Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!

Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed. He got in front of the cave and hollered:

- Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!

He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of:

- WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!

Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.

The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, Naked Polack Run Over By Freight Train!!

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords:

- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

- I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

- This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

- The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

- I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

- The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

- Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

- Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

- Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

- Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

- Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

- I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

- When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw open the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts.

Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender pale skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly.

In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within.

Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. "Oh yes", I say to you, "I must say Grace!" "Thank God for this Butterball Turkey, Amen."

(You ought to be ashamed of those thoughts you were having)

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.

The owner replied:

- I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help.

So she did just that.

After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said:

- That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00.

The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she let rip a stinky, sqeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said:

- That'll be fifty dollars.

- Fifty dollars?!?! - the woman exclaimed.

- You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!

- Yes, I did - said the owner.

- But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50.

Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the truth in bed. Imagine the revelation...

- She: Get off of me, will ya!!

- He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?

- She: No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. You think you could hurt me with THAT?!?

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

- No thanks - the girl says.

- You know I don't smoke.

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House

10. Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.
11. Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
12. Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.
13. Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.
14. Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
15. Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
16. Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.
17. Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.
18. Pretend to eat your arm.
19. Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

A 12-year-old boy comes up to the Polak and says:

- I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah.

The Polak answers:

- The joke's on you, Johnny. Nyah, nyah, nyah--I wasn't even home last night!

Why don't polish women use vibrators?
→ It chips their teeth.