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Love, Lust, Or Marriage

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

The Doctor's Pills

Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.

Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.

The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex.

The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before.

So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.

A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks:

- Hello, how's the whole family doing??

The son, who answered the phone, answers:

- Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'.

Rude Crude And Lewd

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your Mom.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's rest room?
→ Say, "Nice dick."

What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
→ An itchy, twitchy twat.

Are birth control pills deductible?
→ Only if they don't work.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
→ If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts!

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
→ Because they have cotton balls.

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
→ Palm Sunday

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
→ Miracle Whip.

Desire Matures

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!

Yo Mama Jackpot

Yo mama's like...:

- Yo mama's like a T.V., even a two-year-old could turn her on.

- Yo mama's like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more.

- Yo mama's like a rifle...four cocks and she's loaded.

- Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine...five cents a blow.

- Yo mama's like Chinese food...sweet, sour, and cheap.

- Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.

- Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away.

- Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth.

- Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy.

- Yo mama's like a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit.

- Yo mama's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.

- Yo mama's like a street lamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner.

- Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day.

- Yo mama's like a 747, she has a very large cockpit.

- Yo mama's like a microwave, one button and she's hot.

- Yo mama's like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn her up, down, on, and off.

- Yo mama's like a mail box, open day and night.

- Yo mama's like a bag of potato chips, "Free-To-Lay."

- Yo mama's like a turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked.

- Yo mama's like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff.

- Yo mama's like a bowling ball, you can fit three fingers in.

- Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter.

- Yo mama's like cheap liquor, tastes like shit.

- Yo mama's like an aircraft carrier, has a flat top, a big bottom, cruises up and down the coast, and picks up 100 sailors in every port.

- Yo mama's like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long.

- Yo mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her.

- Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.

- Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing.

- Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all.

- Yo mama's like Pizza Hut, if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's free.

- Yo mama's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country.

- Yo mama's like a carpenter's dream, flat as a board and easy to nail.

- Yo mama's like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump.

- Yo mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods.

- Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on.

- Yo mama's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up.

- Yo mama's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away.

- Yo mama's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country.

- Yo mama's like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.

- Yo mama's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers.

- Yo mama's like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country.

- Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up.

- Yo mama's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows.

- Yo mama's like a Toyota, "OOooh what a feeling!"

- Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... a real good suck.

- Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the closet.

- Yo mama's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick.

- Yo mama's like the Panama Canal, vessels full of seamen pass through her everyday.

- Yo mama's like a refrigerator, everyone puts their meat in her.

- Yo mama's like cake mix, 15 servings per package!

- Yo mama's like an elevator, guys go up and down on her all day.

- Yo mama's like Denny's... open 24 hours.

- Yo mama's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served.

- Yo mama's like McDonalds... What you want is what you get.

- Yo mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

- Yo mama's like the Pillsbury dough boy... everybody pokes her.

- Yo mama's like lettuce, $1 a head.

- Yo mama's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw.

- Your momma is so fat... the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs!

- Yo momma is so ugly, she entered and ugly contest and one of the judges said "Sorry... No proffessionals allowed!!!"

- Yo momma's so fat, when the lord said "Let There Be Light", he had to ask her to move over!

- Yo mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles, people SLOW DOWN!

- Yo mama is so fat, she walked into a resturant took one look at the menu and said, "yes please!"

- Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale!

- Yo momma's so fat she had to get baptised at Sea World!

- Whenever your mamma farts, she causes a continental drift!

- Yo momma's so fat even if she was the last person alive, the world would still be over populated!

-1 points
0

Mortuary Banners

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read:

- Our Staff will stuff your Stiff.

Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too:

- Our Stuff will stiff your Staff.

Monica Counters Clinton

AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:

- I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

- This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way that I know how: head on.

- I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.

- Thank you. - Monica Lewinsky

Nixon Versus Clinton

Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton:

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

What Gets Bigger

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class:

- Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly:

- Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!

With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure replied:

- The pupil of the eye, in dim light.

- Correct - said Mr. Perkins.

- And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you:

- One, you have not studied your lesson.

- Two, you have a dirty mind.

- And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment!

Quick Ones

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes

Life stinks - I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $3.99 a minute.

How are women and rocks alike?
→ You skip the flat ones.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
→ It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy!

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
→ Humpme Dumpme.

What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex?
→ "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."