Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said:

- I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The eyes said:

- I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The hands said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The stomach said:

- I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The legs said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

Then the rectum said:

- I think I should be in charge.

All the rest of the parts said:

- YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge.

So the rectum closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just be an asshole!

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says:

- I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, '7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!

The second guy says:

- I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard', and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!

The third guy says:

- You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there... every morning, I wake up with a sore dingy and an butt full of quarters!

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He tells her:

- Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said:

- Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!

A guy sitting nearby asked her:

- Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?

- Why, yes, I do. How did you know?

- Hickory dickory dock!

When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

- Listen up! - Noah said with a demanding voice.

- There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back.

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.

- Quick! - he said. - Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said:

- Sorry, no land yet.

- Darn it! - exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked:

- What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?

- LOOK! - said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper... - I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff... I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em!"

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET10. Does this come in children's sizes?9. No thanks, just sniffing8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind7. Mom will love this6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here4. Will you model this for me?3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!

And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is:1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion:

- If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. - How long will this take? - she asks.

- They'll grow larger over a period of years, - he replies. The wife stops. - Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?

The husband shrugs. - Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?(He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again.)

Marie's funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating:

- At last they're together. At last they're together.

A mourner whispers:

- Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What's with this nonsense...at last they're together!

The first mourner responds:

- I'm talking about her LEGS! At last they're together!

The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her;

- Don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man:

- I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says:

- No problem!! I buy. I buy.

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man:

- I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine county in France.

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says:

- Okay, okay. I build, I build.

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly:

- Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman:

- Okay, okay. I cut. I cut!

• Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
• Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
• Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
• Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
• Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
• Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
• Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
• Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
• Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
• Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
• Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
• Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
• Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
• Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
• Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
• Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) - more-gasms.
• Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
• Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
• Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
• Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
• Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
• Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
• Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
• Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
• Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
• Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms.
• Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
• Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
• Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
• Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
• Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
• Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
• Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
• Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
• Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
• Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
• Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms.
• Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
• Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
• Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
• Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
• Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
• Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
• Sex with a norse God - Thor-gasms.
• Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.