Random joke from this category
Take the test...
NO CHEATING!
What does: A woman do sitting down? A man do standing up? A dog do on three legs?
Got your guess ready yet?
GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!
They shake hands!
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.
- Oh my god, I am sooo sorry - the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
- Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins Undressing him.
The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.
- You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?
- No - she replies....
- You just happened to catch my eye. (hee-hee, hoo-hoo, that was terrible!)
A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.
- As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long!
The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.
- He also said he wants to screw me all night long!!
By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.
- He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night!!!
The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.
His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.
The boyfriend says:
- I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer!
The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around.
He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz... down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says:
- I'm a dove and I've been loved!
The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said:
- I'm a Lark and I've been sparked.
The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off.
The Duck is lying there really pissed off, and says:
- I'm a Drake and there's been a mistake!
What is the difference between a Scottish man and a member of the Rolling Stones?
→ A member of the Rolling Stones says:
- Hey you! Get off my cloud!
The Scot says:
- Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
- Well - replied the man - When we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.
- Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much - said his friend.
- I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!
The groom nodded gently and said:
- I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says:
- Pierre, kiss me!
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
- What are you doing, Pierre? - says the startled Marie.
- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says:
- Pierre, kiss me lower.
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
- Pierre! What are you doing? - asks the bewildered Marie.
- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers:
- Pierre, kiss me lower!
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously:
- PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!
A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, she exclaimed:
- So, that's how you guys load those things!
Yo mama's so hairy...
