Computer Jokes — most commented jokes

WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS

Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "Why on earth did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

Top Ten Changes to the new Star Wars update

10. Tie fighters replaced with black UN helicopters lead by Buotros Buotros Vader.
11. Sand People replaced by Michigan Militia members (and still walk single file to hide their numbers).
12. Kahn turns out to be Captain Kirk's father (whoops, that's from the Top Ten new Star Trek movie changes).
13. Chewbacca now giggles when you tickle his tummy.
14. If you look closely, storm troopers now have Microsoft employee badges.
15. Original Jawas: Killed by Storm Troopers for having R2 and C3P0. New Jawas: Killed for pitching yet another lame JAVA product "concept".
16. Obi Wan's name changed to OS/2 Kenobi. Uncle Owen now constantly says "I think he died X years ago" where X changes between 10 years before to 10 years in the future. Storm troopers now don't kill Uncle Owen but instead appoint him head of the Imperial press.
17. Amiga users upset because the new computers in the Death Star are PC's when they could have been replaced with a single Amiga 1000 with 512K of ram and still run "tons faster and do real multitasking unlike those PEE-CEEs"
18. The Canteen now has real rock stars in it. They look as they normally do but still manage to look more alien than the original aliens in there.
19. Death Star's old slogan: "Fear this battle station"
    Death Star's NEW slogan: "Where do you want to go today?"

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a P.C. state-of-the-art computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error - "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

GUI (pronounced "gooey") - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your current software.

Idiocy in the Computer World

When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?"

An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been Xeroxed.

A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: "Gee, how much does one of these weigh?"

Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk."

The operator believed it.

I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: "What's wrong with the computer?"

Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt."

A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: "Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?"

A few excerpts from the Computer Help Desk:

- Caller: What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?

- HD: Data Entry.

- Caller: Thank you!

Overheard in a student computer lab:

- Client (raising hand and waving frantically): The computer says 'Enter your name and press RETURN.' What do I do??

- Lab Assistant: Enter your name and press RETURN.

- Client (as if a revelation has struck): Oh!

Humankind's propensity for imposing anthropomorphic characteristics on inanimate objects has now reached computers. But, which gender should your PC be?

Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male.

• They have a lot of data, but they're still clueless.
• A better model is just around the corner.
• They look nice and shiny until you get them home.
• It's always essential to have a backup.
• They'll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.
• The best part of having one is the games you can play.
• In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
• The lights are on but nobody's home.
• Big power surges knock them out at night.
• Size does matter.

But then again, here are the top ten reasons why they are obviously female.

• They're oh so picky, picky, picky.
• They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
• Beauty is only shell deep.
• When you ask them what's wrong, they always say 'nothing'.
• They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
• They are always turning simple statements into big productions.
• Small talk is important.
• You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
• They make you take the garbage out.
• Miss a period and they go wild.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe just cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data wont appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs.... No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.

Use your virus scan, don't let any of these viruses happen to your PC!

"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

"Keyboard" -- Place to hang your truck keys.

"Window" -- Place in the truck to hang your guns.

"Floppy" -- When you run out of Polygrip.

"Modem" -- How you got rid of your dandelions.

"ROM" -- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Byte" -- First word in a kiss-off phrase.

"Reboot" -- What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

"Network" -- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

"Mouse" -- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

"LAN" -- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

"Cursor" -- What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

"bit" -- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."

"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

"packet" -- What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

PROOF THAT BILL GATES IS THE ANTICHRIST

Conversion to ASCII values:
MS-DOS 6.21 77 83 45 68 79 83 32 54 46 50 49 = 666
WINDOWS95 87 73 78 68 79 87 83 57 53 1 = 666
SYSTEM 7.0 83 89 83 84 69 77 32 55 46 48 = 666
Coincidence? I think not!

The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:
B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
3
666!!!!

DO I HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO HAVE SAFE FAX?
→ Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

MY PARENTS SAY THEY NEVER HAD FAX WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND WERE ONLY ALLOWED TO WRITE MEMOS TO EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY WERE TWENTYONE. HOW OLD DO YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULD BE BEFORE THEY CAN FAX?
→ Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure.

IF I FAX MYSELF, WILL I GO BLIND?
→ Certainly not, as far as we can see.

THERE IS A PLACE ON OUR STREET WHERE YOU CAN GO AND PAY FOR FAX. IS THIS LEGAL?
→ Yes. many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and Must pay a "professional" when their needs to fax become too great.

SHOULD A COVER ALWAYS BE USED FOR FAXING?
→ Unless you are really sure of the one you're faxing, a cover sheet should be used to insure safe fax.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I INCORRECTLY DO THE PROCEDURE AND I FAX PREMATURELY?
→ Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start Over; Most people won't mind if you try again.

I HAVE A PERSONAL AND BUSINESS FAX. CAN TRANSMISSIONS BECOME MIXED UP?
→ Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything You're not supposed to.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
→ You only have to punch information into a computer once!