Christmas Jokes — most commented jokes

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
→ A pineapple!

Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?
→ Because a little water ends both of them!

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
→ Thanks, I'll never part with it!

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
→ They both drop their needles!

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
→ Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!" "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said Bob. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."

December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.

December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 Debug Windows '98

December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana.

December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri.

December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes.

December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers.

December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station.

December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes.

January 1 Stay out of jail.

It's the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.

The policeman looks over at Johnny and says, "Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?"

The youngster responds, proudly, "Ya, Santa brought it for me."

The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicyle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying, "Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it."

Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says, "And did Santa bring you that horse?"

Humouring the youngster, the policeman answers, "Why, yes, he did."

To which Johnny responds, "Well, next time you better tell him to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top."

Who did the dyslexic satanist worship?
→ Santa.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
→ He sold his soul to Santa!