Celebrities — most commented jokes

Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tour bus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire.

The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because they're already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened.

Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain.

Everybody on board is killed, except for a young "roadie" who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress.

The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words?

"Yes," said the young man, "he did." As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing......

"You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel"...

Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
→ It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing".

What do Michael Jackson and the Baltimore Orioles have in common?
→ They both walk around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason.

Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?
→ Yup, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the 3-year-olds!

Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
→ He thought it was a delivery service.

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest!

How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
→ By all the Big Wheels parked in his driveway.

And finally, I found out why Michael has cut down on public appearances... He wants to spend more time with the kids!

I once had a friend who was a renowned clinical psycologist. He used to tell me about all the patients he had seen.

One of the most interesting cases he told me about involved a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder.

At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW II.

The concensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didn't know if he was Carmen or Goerring...

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."

"Done" says the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?"

And Willie replies, "Is Dorothy around?"

Famous interpretations of "Why did the Chicken cross the road?"

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please...

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him down!

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

L.A Poliece Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken, and we'll find out.

Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what "they" call it: the "other side". Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!

Ronald Regan: What Chicken?

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me?

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?

Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O J Simpson
26. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
27. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
28. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
29. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
30. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
31. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
32. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
33. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
34. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
35. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
36. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
37. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
38. EASY UNIX
39. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE
40. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
41. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
42. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
43. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
44. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel
45. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
46. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
47. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
48. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one World's Shortest book:......

1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION by Bill Clinton

Top ten most violent upcoming movies:

10. "Erin Brockovich Gets Her Face Chewed Off by Rats"
11. "Mary Poppins A Cap In Your Ass"
12. "Bitch-Slapping Miss Daisy"
13. "How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2: Whoopi Goldberg's Bikini Wax" Oh, for God's sake. I'm sorry we had to print that one.
14. "Peyote Ugly"
15. "Circumcision: The Purification Begins"
16. "Thou Hast Deflowered My Daughter: An Amish Ass-kickin'"
17. "Field of Limbs"
18. "Terminal Velocity 2" starring Christopher Reeve
19. "How the Grinch Stole My Urethra"

Why did Helen Keller go insane?
→ She tried to read a stucco wall.

Why are Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinksy, and O.J. Simpson such bad golfers?
→ Monica is a hooker, O.J. is a slicer and Bill doesn't know what hole to put it in.

How does Mrs. Abdul Jabbar like her coffee?
→ With Kareem!!!

What does it say, on great Hawaiian singer, Don's mail box?
→ The Ho House!!!