Celebrities — most commented jokes

Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton:

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O.J. Simpson
26. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
27. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
28. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
29. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
30. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
31. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
32. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
33. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
34. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
35. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
36. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
37. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
38. EASY UNIX
39. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE
40. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
41. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
42. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
43. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
44. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel
45. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
46. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
47. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
48. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one World's Shortest book......

1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION - by Bill Clinton

What do Monica and Bob Dole have in common?
→ They're both upset Clinton finished first.

They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn't tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.

How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century?
→ Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
→ One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate labrador.

Ballad of the Bobbitt Hillbillies! Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies:

Here's a little story of a man named John
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife
She lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife
Pecker that is,
Rodeoed, fillet food

Well, the next thing you know there's a ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car taking willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded the bend
Curve, that is
Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back
They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was wavin' in the air
Found, that is
By a fence, evidence

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a d***-doc said "Hey, I can fix your d**g!"
A needle and a thread's just the thing you're gonna need
Then the world held it's breath till they heard that John peed
Whizzed, that is
Stitched seam, straight stream

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a cock-eyed lawyer (since his assets came up short)
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape
Video, that is,
Unexposed, case closed

Hercules, Snow White and Quasemoto were sitting at a table talking. Hercules says, "I think I'm the strongest man in the world but it hasn't been proven yet."

Snow White says, "I think I'm the fairest lady in the land but it hasn't been proven yet."

Quasie says, "I think I'm the ugliest, meanest son of a gun in the world but it hasn't been proven yet."

The next day Hercules and Snow White are sitting at the table and Hercules says, "It's true I'm the strongest man in the world for God told me so".

Snow White says, "It's true I'm the fairest lady in the land for God told me so."

Just then, Quasie started walking up the road really steamed and says, "Guys can you do me a favor? Tell me who the heck is Janet Reno?"

Did you hear Princess Diana was on the radio?
→ Yep, and on the window, and on the dashboard...

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!", she exclaimed.

"No", said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Lets see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage."

"And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want."

"I would like to get rid of these love handles, though." "Yeah, that's it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!

A new list of the "World's Shortest Books":

• STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED - by Elizabeth Taylor
• BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
• HOME BUILT AIRPLANES - by John Denver
• DOWN HILL SKIING - by Sonny Bono
• HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL - by Dan Marino
• FLYING AT NIGHT - by JFK, Jr.
• THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton
• MY LIFE'S MEMORIES - by Ronald Reagan
• THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD - by Bill Gates
• MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
• THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
• THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH - by the Ramseys
• AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
• AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
• DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
• DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
• MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
• THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
• HELLEN KELLER'S BIRDWATCHING GUIDE

Here are some "actual" bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:

HONK! If you had sex with the President

Clinton: We forgive you...
Now Resign!

Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency

Adultery IS NOT a family value

Does character matter YET?
One More Whore And We Get Gore

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student

Jail to the Chief

Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President

The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility

If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.

Save the President: Legalize Perjury

Two terms for Clinton: the second in jail

Clinton: Our Nation's Fondling Father

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off," the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $100,000?"

Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.

But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says, "OK, it's your money... when do you want to play?"

Stevie replies, "I'll play on any NIGHT you choose!"