Bar Jokes — most commented jokes

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" "As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"

A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink....he notices that at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever seen....he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have her....

He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any Spanish-fly in the back....the bartender says he will check and comes back a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder....he says to the man..."this isn't Spanish-fly, we are all out of that....but this is just as good....this is Jewish-fly, and it is guaranteed to get her over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!" so the man forks over his $10 and asks the bartender to put the Jewish-fly into a champagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with his compliments.....

The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero rather disinterestedly.....but about twenty minutes later she slinks off her barstool....she saunters across the room toward our hero in a most seductive manner....oozing sensuality....our hero is terrifically excited....she reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shoulders and leans in close to his ear...he can feel her breath on his neck....and she whispers "Hey big boy....want to go shopping?"

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly.

The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.

- Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head.

- Jesus Christ! What happened?

- He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!

- Yeah, then what?

- Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.

Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?"

The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

A woman went to the bar with a black eye.

"How'd ya get that?" asked the bartender.

"From my husband," she replied.

"But I thought he was out of town?" he asked.

"So did I!" she said.

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

Man in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?" Other man, "Bloody hell, no!"

First man, "Want to come camping?"

A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night.

He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self concious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance. "Would you like to dance with me?" he asked.

She replied "Would I!", and he sneered and told her, "BIG NOSE!"

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."