Random joke from this category
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
Why did the cactus cross the road?
→ It was stuck to the dumb chicken
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.
One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?" The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!"
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain.. suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."
What's green and has wheels?
→ A Frog
I lied about the wheels
Two cows were talking in the field one day.
- First Cow: Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?
- Second Cow: Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?
There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass. The first cow said "Moo."
And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that."
Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late; George, dig her out."
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.
It was far out of reach.
A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.
"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.
"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.
"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."
The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant."
"Be my guest!", said the elephant.
So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head.
"OUCH!", said the elephant.
Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"
