Animal Jokes — most commented jokes

What do you call a cow with no legs?
→ GROUND BEEF!

What's the difference between an african lion and OJ Simpson?
→ An african lion is an african lion, OJ Simpson is a lyin african!

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.

The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks:

- What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?

The dog answers:

- ROOF.

The bartender says:

- Who are you kidding? I'm not paying.

The dogs owner says:

- How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else.

The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks:

- Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?

The dog answers with a muffled:

- RUTH.

With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.

As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says:

- DiMaggio?

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.
2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
   After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey:

- But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:
   (A) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
   (B) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded.

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy:

- Did you hear that Fluffy died?.

The guy stumbles around and says:

- Um.. er.. no.. what happened?.

The neighbor replies:

- We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

- Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?

Father Patrick replied:

- I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal.

Muldoon said:

- I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?

Father Patrick:

- $500? - Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.

The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.

- Twelve dollars for the rat, sir - says the shop owner.

- and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it.

- You can keep the story, old man - he replies.

- but, I'll take the rat.

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

- Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story - says the owner.

- No - says the tourist.

- I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer!

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

- Yes - the pet store owner said.

- this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions.

The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word.

- That's to be expected - said the pet shop owner.

- Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you.

Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot's owner returned and said there still had been no talking.

- I see - said the pet shop owner.

- Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it.

A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell.

The parrot's owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrot's owner was there waiting as the store opened.

- Still no luck? - asked the store owner.

- No. Nothing said yet - answered the bird's owner.

- Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop.

- What? You want me to buy another bird!?! - yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

- No, no, calm down - reassured the store owner.

- All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion.

At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned ... this time with the parrot, only it was dead!

- What happened? - asked the store owner.

- Didn't the bird ever talk?

- Yes, right before it died it said: What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?

- Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

- Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!

A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said:

- Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about.

- I'll be right over - the doctor said.

- In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there.

When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked herring over her husband's mouth.

- Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse.

- I know, doc - she replied.

- but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him!