Animal Jokes — most commented jokes

What does the aardvark call his dog?
→ Aard-bark!

What is uglier than an aardvark?
→ Two aardvarks!

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:

- Jesus is watching you.

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard:

- Jesus is watching you.

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

- Did you say that? - He hissed at the parrot.

- Yep - the parrot confessed, then squawked:

- I'm just trying to warn you.

The burglar relaxed:

- Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?

- Moses - replied the bird.

- Moses? - the burglar laughed.

- What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?

The bird promptly answered:

- Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told:

- You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog says:

- This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?

- No - says the psychic.

- Next semester in her biology class.

Two guys are on duty at a french foreign legion fort. One says to the other one:

- See that camel over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.

The other guy says:

- No way.

The first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches in between the camel's legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.

A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy:

- I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes, then shake his head no.

The second guy says:

- You got me last time, but there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes then shake it no.

The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says:

- Remember what I did last time? (Camel nods).

- Want me to do it again?

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour:

- What's the camel for?

The Sergeant replied:

- Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.

The captain said:

- Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me.

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant:

- BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant:

- Is that how the enlisted men do it?

The Sergeant replied:

- Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.

Unfortunately, the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the parrot into the freezer.

- There - he said - Maybe he'll cool off in there.

For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent. A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer:

- If you would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory vocabulary.

Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot spoke.

- If you don't mind, may I ask what the chicken did?

How many cockroaches does it take to turn on a light?
→ No one knows...when the light comes on they all scatter!