Animal Jokes — most commented jokes

A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to send over someone who's a gorilla expert.

When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of handcuffs. The man says:

- What are all of those for?

The animal control officer says:

- I'll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his wrists.

The man asks:

- What is the gun for?

The animal control officer responds:

- If I fall first, you shoot the dog!

What do you call a rich frog ?
→ A golf blooded reptile !

How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs ?
→ They sit eggsaminations !

- I'd like a new frog, please.

- But you bought one only yesterday. What happened?

- It Kermit-ted suicide.

What do you call a frog with no hind legs?
→ Unhoppy!!

A librarian was quietly working when three chickens walked in and jumped on to the counter eyed her and said:

- BUK BUK BUK

Not sure she was sane she gave the chikens three books and they left.

An hour later in walked the chickens again jumped onto the counter, returned the books they had taken earlier and said:

- BUK BUK BUK

Now convinced she was out of her mind she gave them three books, they took one each and left. This time she decided to follow them. She followed them down to the local pond and stood horrified as they threw the books into the water.

All of a sudden they flew back out of the pond and a frog stuck it's head up saying:

- RREDIT RREDIT RREDIT!

What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?
→ Damn

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him:

- Hey-come over hear buddy. The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks:

- Were you talking to me? The horse replies:

- Sure was, man, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run. The jogger thought to himself:

- boy a talking horse

Dollar signs started appearing in his head.

So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer:

- Hey man I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field. The farmer replies:

- Son you can't believe anything that horse says-He's never even been to Kentucky.

There was a farmer who had a lot of live stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls.

One day a terrible twister came and the man and his family were only saved by throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over, he looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses, chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The farmer was amazed and asked them:

- How is it that all the other animals are down and you are still standing?

The bulls replied:

- We bulls wobble but we don't fall down!

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says:

- You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud.

So the farmer takes him home and says:

- It's your first day so take it slow, okay?

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says:

- Roy, did you have to die?

Roy says:

- Quiet! They're about to land!