A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained:
- I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.
- Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk! - she screamed.
- Funny - he muttered.
- you even sound exactly like her.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says:
- Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.
So the Doberman says:
- I love liver and cheese.
The Collie replies:
- That's not good enough.
The Bulldog says:
- I hate liver and cheese.
She says:
- That's not creative enough.
Finally, the Chihuahua says:
- Liver alone . . . cheese mine.
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
- Sorry I can't serve you - states the barman.
- Why not?! - asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
- You're under 18 - replies the barman.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
- Why, of course - comes the reply.
The first man then asks:
- Where are you from?
- I'm from Ireland - replies the second man.
The first man responds by saying:
- You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland.
- Of course - replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks:
- Where in Ireland are you from?
- Dublin - comes the reply.
- I can't believe it - says the first man.
- I'm from Dublin too.
- Let's have another drink to Dublin.
- Of course - replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
- What school did you go to?
- St Mary's - replies the second man.
- I graduated in 1962.
- This is unbelievable - the first man says.
- I went to St Mary's and I graduated in 1962 too.
About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar.
- What's been going on? - he asks the barman.
- Nothing much - replies the barman.
- The O'Malley twins are drunk again.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables. He sets 'em down on the bar. And then the bartender said "Now dont you start anything!!"
Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to the other:
- Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, 'No Pets Allowed,' and I can't leave Fido alone on the street.
The other man replies:
- No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon!
The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar.
The bartender looks up and says:
- Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!
The man says:
- But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!
The bartender says:
- Oh, okay then.
The man drinks his beer and leaves.
The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar. The bartender looks up and says:
- Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!
The man says:
- But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!
The bartender says:
- Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua seeing-eye dog!
The man, thinking quickly, blurts out:
- Oh, man! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?
Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
It was embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.
He asked the pirate:
- How did you loose your leg?
The pirate responded:
- I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked:
- What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?
- No - answered the pirate.
- I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys.
Finally, the land-lubber asked:
- I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?
The pirate answered:
- I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye.
The land-lubber asked:
- How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?
The pirate snapped:
- It was the day after I got me hook.
- Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'? - asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
- Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much - answered the equally wasted gent.
- Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!
An Indian, a Rabbi, the Pope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar together and sit down. The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says, "What is this... some kind of joke?"
