Most commented jokes

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks:

- Is your date running late?

- No - he replies.

- I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says:

- A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?

- It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me - he explains.

- What's it telling you now? - she asked.

- Well, it says you're not wearing any panties. - he said.

The woman giggles and replies:

- Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!

The man explains:

- Damn thing must be an hour fast.

Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said:

- I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned.

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked:

- Tell me, did he suffer?

- Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so - said the foreman.

- He got out three times to go to the men's room.

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked:

- Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?

- Yup, shore am!

- How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answered:

- Ten pounds.

The bartender said:

- Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds.

The proud Texas father said:

- Jest had him circumcised!

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says:

- Six shots? What's wrong?

- I found out my older brother is gay - replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.

- What now? - asked the bartender.

- I found out my younger brother is gay - replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.

- Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women? - asked the bartender.

The man replied:

- Yeah, my wife does.

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

- Are you the manager? - she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

- Actually, no - he replied.

- Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him - she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

- I'm afraid I can't - breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble.

- Is there anything I can do?

- Yes there is. I need you to give him a message - she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

- Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.

A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender:

- What's that all about?

The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said:

- Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish.

- Okay - said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said:

- You have one wish.

The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.

The guy was astounded and said to the bartender:

- Hey! I didn't want a million ducks.

The bartender replied:

- Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender.
The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked:

- Why did you do that?

The drunk said very apologetically:

- I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?

The bartender answered:

- Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?

The drunk replied:

- I never thought of that. Maybe I will.

The bartender said:

- Don't come back until you do get help - and the drunk left.

About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender.
The bartender shouted:

- I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!

The drunk replied:

- I did. Now I don't feel ashamed.

Twenty-four hours in a day... twenty-four beers in a case... coincidence?

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar.

- What will you have? - the bartender asked.

- I'll have a glass of blood - the first replied.

- I'll have a glass of blood, too, please - said the second.

- I'll have a glass of plasma - said the third.

- OK, let me get this straight - the bartender said.

- That'll be two bloods and a blood light?