Most commented jokes

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first Marine he met:

- Do you want to go to heaven?

The Marine said:

- I do Father.

The priest said:

- Leave this pub right now!

He then approached a second Marine:

- Do you want to got to heaven?

- Certainly, Father - was the Marine's reply.

- Then leave this den of Satan! - said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to an old SgtMaj and asked:

- Do you want to go to heaven?

The SgtMaj replied:

- No, I don't Father.

The priest looked him right in the eye and said:

- You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?

The SgtMaj smiled:

- Oh, when I die! Why...yes Father. Shit, I thought you were getting a working party together to go right now!

This is the difference between a lousy Golfer and a lousy Parachutist.

The lousy Golfer goes splash then damn.

The lousy Parachutist goes damn then splash.

A recruit examines the food served to him in the batallion dining room.

- Do I have any choice here, he asks a sergeant.

- Yes, you do. You may eat it or not.

I was an Air Force ICBM launch control officer in South Dakota. Two officers pulled 24-hour alerts in a launch control center that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos.

The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We were not allowed to leave the "capsule" until relieved the next day, and we were supported by several on-site personnel in the support building upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each boasted a small refrigerator and a small microwave.

On one tour of duty, the cook called down around lunch time and informed us that she was cleaning her oven and that hot food would be unavailable for a short time.

Later, around supper time, she called down again and apologized that she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having trouble reassembling it, and would again be unable to heat our food orders. We were somewhat annoyed, but, being the kinder, gentler military officers we were, told her:

- No problem. Just send down the frozen meals and we'll 'nuke' them ourselves.

Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she whispered:

- You can DO that?

A Maintenance Battalion in Germany had just received a brand new Executive Officer, an Armor Major. The Major proceeded to issue new SOP directives (Standard Operating Procedures) that WOULD be followed under all circumstances. One of these directives was that NO ONE over the rank of Staff Sergeant would drive their own vehicle, that was what the lower enlisted were for.

One morning, the Master Sergeant in charge of the S-2 shop of the battalion had an intel report that was due at Division Headquarters within the hour, and his clerk, a PFC, was off that morning because of duty the night before. The Sergeant felt that he had no choice, the report HAD to get to Division; so he got into his Jeep and started to Division Headquarters.

As he got to the gate, the XO stopped him. In a very sarcastic voice he said:

- Aren't we paying our drivers a lot these days?

The NCO, without missing a beat replied:

- Not at all, Sir, when you consider what we are paying gate guards.

A trooper asks a sergeant:

- Is it true that man descended from a monkey?

- Yes, troopers possibly were. But not sergeants.

A warrant officer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said:

- If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said:

- If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.

The warrant officer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out:

- If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.

Again the warrant officer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked:

- What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?

The warrant officer said:

- Look I'm an warrant officer. I dont have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

A patrol of allied soldiers were in a ruined city during World War Two. They are bragging and joshing about how many kills they have so far to keep up courage on their route through the rubbled buildings.

Sergeant Joe thumps his chest and proclaims:

- I got me 4 germans bagged so far. Howabout you John?

Before Pfc John can reply, a lone german soldier runs out of a trashed hotel. In the process of throwing down his rifle after seeing the larger allied soldier group, he shouts:

- NEIN!

Pfc John takes aim at the enemy and shoots him.

- Well, he wont get himself a tenth allied soldier. - Joe all year long!

- What do you think about the coming battle, General?

- God knows it will be lost.

- Then why should we go for it?

- To find out who is the loser.

At Parris Island, a sergeant was teaching a private to throw a grenade at a pracitice training course. He ran about 10 yards away to be safe, and yelled the instructions.

- Pull the pin, throw and hit the dirt!

The private proceeds to do so, and throws the explosive directly at the sergeant!

A few months later, the sergeant meets the private in a group of men killed in battle. He goes up the the private- no hard feelings because heaven is well, great- and asks him how he 'bit the dust.'

Responds the private:

- Well, i was caught in a ambush; these guys - He thumbs behind him.

- got caught in the jeep under the fire. I managed to make it to a ditch where i yanked a grenade form my belt and pulled the pin and lever. The enemy runs away seeing it, so i put the grenade back onto my belt.