A blind man was out walking with his seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.
Having watched what happened, a passerby said, "Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"
"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."
Why did the raccoon cross the road? He didn't, he got hit by a car.
A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
Q: Why do penguins live in the Arctic?
A: Because they can't fly to Florida like the rest of the old birds.
Q: Why don't elephants use cellular phones?
A: So the rest of the world won't know their plans.
Q: Does an elephant ever forget?
A: Only if you loan him money.
A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says "I will grant each of you three wishes."
The bear says "I wish all the bears in the forest were females." poof It's done.
The rabbit says "I wish for a motorcycle." poof It's done.
The bear says "I wish all the bears in this country were females." poof It's done.
The rabbit says "I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my house." poof It's done.
The bear is thinking to himself "why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on stupid small things? oh well." "And for my third wish, I wish that all the bears in the world were female." poof It's done.
The rabbit says "For MY last wish, I want the bear to be gay." And he rides off on his motorcycle.
This horse walks in to a bar and asks for a bit to eat!
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"
