How do you catch a polar bear?
→ First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.
Why does a cow wear a bell?
→ Because his horns are broke!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
→ Because it was dead.
Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
→ Because it was stapled to the monkey.
What does an elephant use as a vibrator?
→ An epilectic.
What has two legs and bleeds?
→ Half a dog.
Have you ever smelled moth balls?
→ How did you get their little legs apart?
Two sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their herd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says, "I hear they're doing this to women in Chicago!"
Two men were walking along the street when they came upon a dog licking his dick.
One man said, "I sure wish I could do that." The other replied, "You can, but you're probably going to have to pet him first."
Why do elephants have 4 feet?
→ Because 4 inches isn't enough.
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.
For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.
He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.
At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go.
I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.
What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."
