Here's a sick one...
So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut off her late husband's penis and shove it up his rectum. The mortician objects, but threatening not to pay, he relents. Later, at the coffin closing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees a tear coming from his eye. She says:
- Hurts doesn't it, you son of a bitch!
Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance company ...
- Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.
- Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.
- Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.
- Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take your pick?
- Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.
One day a wife complained:
- This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.
The husband grunted and replied:
- The darn clock always was slow.
The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond.
- It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world - she boasted.
- The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz.
- What a diamond!
- How lucky you are!
- Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel - said the diamonded lady.
- Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous Lipshitz curse!
The ladies buzzed and asked:
- And what's the Lipshitz curse?
- Lipshitz - sighed the lady.
A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close.
- Oh, no, it's my husband!
The man says:
- Where's your back door?
- We don't have a back door - says the woman.
The man then asks:
- Well, where do you want a back door?
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting.
- My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure - she lamented to the woman next to her.
- Well - the lady replied.
- what's wrong with that?
- He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings.
A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
- Husband: What the hell are you doing here!
- Repairman: Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!
