A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here lies my wife.....cold as ever" Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: "Here lies my husband.....stiff at last"
The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"
The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"
A man complaining to a friend:
- I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ...then ... pow! ... it was all gone!
- What happened? - asked the friend.
- Ahhhh ... my wife found out ...
Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation:
- Husband: Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?
- Ex-: Over my dead body!
- Husband: You haven't changed a bit
Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up.
- Woman: Quick! My husband is back!
Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think:
- Shit! But I am the husband!
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating:
- Why did you die? Why did you die?
The first man approached him and said:
- Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?
The mourner answered:
- My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?
- Wife: Who was that on the phone?
- Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.
- Wife: What did he say?
- Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie! I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice:
- Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted:
- Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
- Where are you? - the man asked.
- Who are you?
- I am your guardian angel - the voice answered.
- Oh yeah? - the man asked...
- And where were you when I got married?
