Most commented jokes

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull:

- I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree - sighed the pheasant - but I haven't got the energy.

- Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? - replied the bull.

- They're packed with nutrients.

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant:

- take another drink!

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant:

- take another drink!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks:

- How can you be so cold and callous?

The bartender says:

- That boy should have quit while he was a head.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says:

- What's in the bags?

- Sand - answered Juan.

The guard says:

- We'll just see about that get off the bike.

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks:

- What have you got?

- Sand - says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.

Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

- Hey, Buddy - says the guard - I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?

Juan sips his beer and says:

- Bicycles.

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says:

- Three million dollars.

The accounts person is startled, and says:

- In what form?

and the little old lady says:

- Cash. I've got it here in this bag...

and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says:

- Gambling.

- Gambling? - he says.

- What sort of gambling?

- Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.

- I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said:

- I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?

- Ok, have it your way - said the president, and they shook hands on it.

- See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning - said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

- Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be? - said the president.

- He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?

- No, perfectly understandable - said the president.

- Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win! - he said happily.

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

- Not so fast! - said the little old lady.

- For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.

- Ok, you win, here's your $100,000 - says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills.

As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

- What's wrong with him? - asks the bank president.

- Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.

- I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone

- Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin

- You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneris

- Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel

- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison

- Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. - Steve Bluestone

- I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear:

- Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice:

- Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

- Let me tell you a story - replied the rabbi.

A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night:

- Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice:

- Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.

The man protested:

- What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?

- No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice:

- I'd like to try the bet.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000.00, and asked the little man:

- what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?

The man replied:

- I work for the IRS.

Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely:

- Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife.

During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked politely:

- May I have some breast?

- Mr. Churchill - replied the hostess - in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat.

Churchill apologized profusely.

The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read:

- I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat.

Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.

- If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners - he remarked - she doesn't deserve to have any.

James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life:

- If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general.

(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained:

- Only one man ever understood me.

He fell silent for a while and then added:

- And he didn't understand me.

Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said:

- That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen.

His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.

- Run, little boy - cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car.

- Run for your life!

Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying:

- Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house.

- No, no, my dear - said the president sleepily - in the Senate maybe, but not in the House.

Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed:

- Bad debt, US Government -- $40,000.

Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what disguise she would recommend for him. She said:

- Why don't you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?

While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:

Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis! Look Left.

You look left and it reads:

Look Right

You look right and it reads:

Look Left...